A really, really hard day

Today was a really hard day. One of those days that rock you to your core. Well, at least it did me. I’m sure not everyone has days like this.

I had to use tough love on someone today who I love very, very much. But I couldn’t sit back and silently watch him self-destruct. I had had enough. And when I get to that point, you better hold on, it’s going to get bumpy.

I have never disrespected this man one day in my almost 40 years of life. But when my mouth finally opened, years and years of pent up anger and frustration were let loose. I wasn’t proud of how I said it, but I was proud that it was finally said.

Never again do I want it to get to this point, and I’m really hoping it won’t. I had to tell this person that if he continued on the path with alcohol that I was not going to watch anymore.

I brought up the fact that he pulled me from the depths of hell and saved my life, how unfair was that of him to do that and then make me sit back and watch him drink himself to death. I was fed up. He’s on medication for blood pressure and a strong pain med and is preparing for surgery next week. I told him if he continued drinking the way I know he has been, that he would not make it through the surgery.

20 minutes of my life spent sobbing uncontrollably and screaming into the phone, begging for change while slamming my fist into the floor. I won’t survive ever having to do that again. I only hope and pray that I made a difference. He promised me he would stop. It’s on him if he doesn’t.

I’m done

If I had $1 for every time I say those words in a day, it would easily bring in about $20, daily.

I am so over everything. Everything. And I can’t just blame the freaking pandemic, even though that’s a big part of it.

My children don’t seem to think they have to listen to me anymore. Like at all. This was my youngest daughter’s first day back to school in 4 weeks. Back to back quarantines.

And you’d think she had forgotten who the hell I was in the 7 hours she was away from me today. I had to keep repeating myself, stop talking, lose my temper, etc.

I finally looked at her and said, “Hi. I don’t think we’ve met. I’m your mother…” Nothing.

And the oldest, oh my goodness. She’s got college applications to finish, she’s got homework in concurrent college classes she’s taking in high school that is due tomorrow, Senior Panel pictures to order, and on and on….

What does she do after getting home 1 hour late from school after taking another ACT test? She sits on her butt and starts watching a movie with her sister. Yes, I give her credit for that, but come on….

I swear to God I must have had a terrible fear of my mother. I was told once to do something, and if I wasn’t up and doing it in the time it took her to look at me, I was getting something flung at me.

And if I dared to talk back, or say “No” to my mother, I got slapped. Hard. If I was warned that I was losing a privilege, back then it was going to friends or TV really, but I took it seriously and did what was asked.

I can’t take it with these two. I’m done. Then their dad sits there and waits until I have lost my shit, to tell me what he’s going to do next time…. do you know how often he carries out such threats?? Hardly ever.

So I’m done. I quit. I give up. I’m out. Ughhhhh!!! 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I’m so over this

Quarantine is over for us on the 15th. My daughter, who tested positive for covid on the 30th, got to rejoin society the 10th. She was able to return to school Monday.

My husband, as an essential worker in Agriculture, was able to go back to work last Thursday. Under strict guidelines of course.

Me and the youngest, well, we’ve been doing school virtually since her first quarantine the 21st. She’ll get to go back to school the 20th, after fall break.

And me, well, I will have nowhere to return to. But turns out, that’s probably for the best. They have had one resident and 3 staffers, so far, test positive out there.

Testing, I’ve heard, is 2-3 times a week for all staff and 1-2 times a week for residents. I’ve heard a lot about lack of reporting, testing positive once, retesting after 5 minutes and being negative, so being allowed to disregard the positive test.

I really, really couldn’t have been a part of that. I think it’s reckless. It puts everyone’s life in danger, especially the more vulnerable ones. It’s just sad. I don’t get it. I know there are still people who work there who wholeheartedly believe this entire covid thing is a hoax. I hate that.

I mean, of all people, the infection control nurse is positive. That right there should be all the proof needed. But still, not enough is being done. So I’m glad I’m out of there! I have more morals than that.

Anyways, we all made it through my oldest being positive. We were very careful, and she basically stayed upstairs. Any and everything she touched that we had to touch subsequently, we used gloves.

And a lot, a lot of lysol and bleach wipes. We also started Emergen-c Immune with Zinc and a multivitamin daily. I really feel like that helped. Well, I hope all of you are staying healthy.

Documentation for future reference…

Got struck with a massive headache this evening…. feel rather sick to my stomach

No sore throat at all today, which is the first time in a few days

No cough either, first time in a few days

No fever that I can tell, but I am freezing!! It’s been gorgeous down here the past week so we’ve had windows open, no AC running. Husband broke down and shut all the windows and turned the AC on

I kicked it up to 74 from 72, it was chilly in here

Oldest daughter is feeling a lot better. Still in isolation through Friday though

Little one and I are quarantined through the 16th, but that’s right in the middle of fall break, so she won’t go back to school until the 20th

Me, I have nothing to go back to. I quit my job at the nursing home. It just wasn’t fair to miss so much work with possibly no end in sight. I mean anything could still happen in 10 days

Wish I could find a reputable remote job. I just don’t know what’s legit and what’s not. I have accounting experience and management experience and a tiny bit of Healthcare administration experience now…..

Ok, head is throbbing, must close my eyes…

Circles…

I’m running in circles. And I can’t stop. I’m worried about everything under the sun, yet doing little about it. Not that there’s much I can do.

I’m just running and running and getting nowhere. One step forward and two back.

Yesterday was a good day for my covid positive daughter, today not so much. This exhaustion is exhausting.

Her and I are very connected, I believe to our very souls, so when she’s feeling like this, I feel it too. Not enough that I’m concerned about my symptoms, just good old “mom intuition!”

I’m just tired and ready for this to be over. I’m also ready to be able to get my own food!! There’s so much I’m craving, but I won’t ask anyone to get it for me. I know they insist, but it isn’t like this would be a run across town.

It’s 35-45 miles away for anything!!

Ugh this sucks!!

And I’m bored!!

Stupid Covid!!

I will never understand…

*Disclaimer* A poor me post….

So, as you know, we are covid central around here. One positive case, 3 negative cases, but isolation and quarantine all around. A pandemic. A freaking world pandemic, and here we are.

I’ve been very open about it all on Facebook so that friends and family can stay updated. And the naysayers and people who think it’s all a political hoax get a little taste of what it is, really.

I’ve had tons and tons of offers for help. I hate asking for help though, so unless someone calls and says, “I’m going to town, I’ll pick up anything you need,” chances are, I’m not going to ask. Even the 20- something kid who is a friend of ours texted me this morning to ask how the kiddo was and if we needed anything.

I was hungry, I’m craving quite a few places that we can’t go, but even after he insisted he’d go get whatever, I couldn’t ask him to do it. He is going to town tonight though, (probably to the bar) but has offered to call me and see what we need. Amazing.

Even though the girls are the only two students at the school currently in isolation and quarantine, our amazing school system is continuing to support us. The girls will get meals delivered to the house daily, along with any class work that the they need. Keep in mind we are 15 miles from the school. Yet they are still doing this for us. And I didn’t even have to ask. Amazing!!

I’ve heard from my Dad and stepmother almost daily, and a couple cousins, aunts and etc. My mother-in-law about a dozen times a day. My sister-in-law too. But you know who I haven’t heard from?? Not one since I told her my daughter was positive??!! You guessed it, my own freaking mother. Not a word. Nothing. I even sent her a text the other day asking a question, leaving her wide open to ask how we were doing…. silence.

So that is really not setting well with me. Is she seriously that cold and heartless? I guess I know the answer to that. I wonder if her cult is tightening the belt on everyone, therefore making her contact with me basically impossible.

Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself, but I really think there is something unnatural when a mother can’t even check on her daughter and first granddaughter stricken with this crazy virus! It’s just insanity to me.

The results are in…

She’s positive. Thank God she was already in quarantine, otherwise it would have shut the entire High School down, and probably little sister’s class as well.

So, she is to remain in self isolation until October 9th, little sister and dad are quarantined through October 15th, and I thru the 17th. Mine lasts a little longer because I will have to attend 2 zoom calls with her tomorrow evening.

Hopefully we can still stay 6 feet apart, but we will both be in masks. How crazy are we going to look to those who don’t know she’s positive!! Oh well, I’ve lost all care for what people say or think about me.

My husband and youngest daughter and I will all go get covid tested in the morning!! My little one is a little scared, rightfully so. I’m an old pro at this, so I’ll be ok. My husband…. well, I’m not so sure how he’ll handle it. He says lots of obscenities when he sneezes, and this will definitely cause sneezing!

So, as a public service announcement from a mom who thought she did everything right from the beginning… Wear a damn mask and wash your damn hands!! If you don’t have to be out in a crowded place, please don’t. Think about others rather than yourself!!

Senior year… during the pandemic!!

The end of the school year last year we kept saying, “at least this isn’t your Senior year” Now here we are, still in the middle of the pandemic, and so much is being taken away!

We’ve had to do a college tour virtually already, she’s currently taking a virtual ACT bootcamp, even though she did the bootcamp over the summer…. virtually…. so I’m not sure why she’s doing it again!

Tomorrow evening we have to have the FAFSA meeting virtually since she is still under quarantine from the direct exposure on the 18th. One hour after the start of the FAFSA meeting, she has another Honors College virtual tour.

I love not having to travel, don’t get me wrong. This virtual stuff is exactly how I like it, but it is definitely taking its toll on my daughter. She’s already feeling like she’s missing out on so much, and the second wave and flu season isn’t even here yet!!

I just hope and pray that her covid test results are negative!! I can’t imagine what missing another two weeks off of everything will do!! I just wish this would all go away.

Yes, we are very lucky that our school system is a phenomenal one. In fact, one of her teachers stopped by last night with a brand-new iPad for her bootcamp today. I’m friends with the secretary, so any question I have, she basically answers right away.

I don’t even want to think how much worse it would be without all the help and support that we receive on a good day, not to mention during all of this! In fact, our neighbors across the street did a surprise porch drop-off with a ton of cleaning supplies yesterday!!

Bleach wipes, hand sanitizing wipes, Purel hand sanitizer, super strength industrial strength spray, 2 boxes of latex gloves, and etc. We don’t even know if my daughter is covid positive!!

So, even though we aren’t where we’d like to be with doing the quarantine thing and the virtual learning thing and so on, I am glad we are being supported from all angles!!

Stupid covid

So I just got back from taking my oldest daughter to our county Health Department for a covid19 test. She had direct exposure to a positive case back on the 18th and has been quarantined since finding out.

She’s had a few minor symptoms since about Saturday, but got up in the middle of the night last night sick. Poor girl just sat in misery on the bathroom floor and the staircase, but didn’t want to wake me up.

When she came to my room this morning, I could tell by looking at her and listening to her that something wasn’t right. Then she told me what had happened during the night.

So as soon as the HD opened, I was calling to find out what to do. They opened at 8, and by 9:25 we were parked outside waiting on the nurse. A quick introduction to the notice she was handing me, and a quick swab to my daughter’s nose/ brain, and that was that. We should have the results Thursday.

Our entire everything will be thrown upside down if she’s positive. It means the girls won’t go back to school as planned on the 5th, I won’t be able to go back to work, and my husband will have to stay home from work for a minimum of a week.

Here’s hoping she’s negative!

Work…

So I’ve been stressing over talking to my boss about not being able to come back to work until the girls are out of quarantine on the 5th. Our first conversation seemed confusing to say the least.

So I knew any future correspondence about it was going to have to be over text. Me being the over-analyzing, doomsday-er type, I’ve been milling it over in my head since about Monday. Over and over and over…

I thought for sure I was going to be told to just not come back. Then I thought I may be told tough shit and to get to work. Clearly, I was over thinking it.

I always worry what others are saying about me. Like, are they staying home with their kids, am I overreacting by thinking I need to be home with mine?

No idea. But it didn’t stop me from worrying. So in the middle of a mild argument with the little one over schoolwork, I thought to myself, “Ok, this is it. There’s no way around it. I can’t go back to work until they are back in school.”

And I sent my boss a text. The text that I had written out previously. I was very matter-of-fact. My timing was very intentional. Today is board meeting day, so I knew if I just let her know that she would be able to let the board know.

So I told her that I wouldn’t be able to be back to work until after the girls are back in school. Then I sat my phone down and worried. Worry about what I said, how I said it, etc. Then I hear my notification…

I halfway expected a simple “Ok.” But I was pleasantly surprised. She said she understood, that this was a rough time for everyone, and that she hoped the time went quickly and that the girls are able to go back to school.

Talk about a 500 pound weight lifted off my chest! Now I just have to worry about what all I’m going to have forgotten how to do by the time I get back! I never would have thought I would go on a 2 week vacation, 7 weeks after I started!!