A perspective on healing..

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I came across this today on my 5th Grade teacher’s Facebook page. I’ve thought about it all day. It really, really resonates with me.

Not only is there so much about me that barely anyone knows about, but these are the exact things for which nobody ever apologized for.

I just wanted to share with you all! I simply can’t put into words how this simple phase made me feel, hopefully someone else can benefit from it too!

Take a breath…

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It seems that this blog has turned into a motivational speaker…. For myself that is. When the voices in my head are on repeat with things like, “You’re worthless. You are nothing. You’ve never been anything”….a simple blog post to myself reminds me not to listen.

So here goes nothing.

Just take a breath. When all seems to be falling apart, breathe. Before you get pissed off or weepy, breathe.

For every 100 things that go wrong, or don’t go as planned, it only takes one thing to go right to show you that not all hope is lost.

You have to get the thoughts out of your head that everything and everyone is against you. You are not a bad person. You just have walls up that won’t allow others in.

Maybe make a small hole in one part of the wall and look through. Someone might be on the other side trying to look in. Looking for someone themselves. Stop shutting yourself off to those people.

Your daughters need you to stop being a moody cow. They are the best. They may only be 6 and 16, but they are wise beyond their years and have a lot to teach you. Let them. Stop micromanaging every little detail.

The pain you are in today should only last 6 more days, then there should be relief. And if there is no relief, think of all the weight you will lose going on an all liquid diet!! 🤷

Now if only I’ll take my advice to heart. I do frequently go back and read my own posts, so hopefully a motivational post to myself here and there will prove beneficial.

Finding peace…

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I’ve been battling a headache that won’t go away for a week now. Probably in relation to the dental work I had done a week ago. It’s a raw headache, one that feels like my nerve endings are exposed.

I haven’t been able to shut off my mind from constant worry. But when I really stop to think about it, I really don’t have anything to worry about.

I’ve started turning off the news, a little bit. I used to be a faithful Today Show watcher, and after about the first 20 minutes of that, I’m bored and turn it off.

I would switch back and forth between CNN and MSNBC just to keep up on the latest with Trump. I don’t even care anymore. So they are going ahead with the impeachment inquiry. Great. I don’t care.

Do I think what he does is very presidential? No. But who am I to judge. Has he done at least a few things good for our country? Yes. Good enough for me.

I just need some peace. I need some fresh air. I need some park time with my youngest and some shopping time with the oldest. But for now, while they are both at school, I’m sitting on the porch swing enjoying the never-ending blue sky and light, cool breeze.

I love fall here because it is the closest to my memories of home. Before the brutal winter would set in. We don’t get much winter here, so I enjoy when the weather cools off and the leaves start to fall to remind me of what it was like back home.

It seems maybe, just for a few minutes anyways, that I’ve found a little peace in this crazy world. In my own backyard, listening to the cranes fly South and the trucks leaving the elevators. Simplicity. Simplicity equals peace.

I survived another Halloween!!

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It’s been a long day, and I faced all my anxieties over today and it turned out pretty successful!

Went to the school “Halloween parade” and didn’t hear any of the kids making snide remarks about my eye!

Made it home in time for a short break, then went back out to ‘Trunk-or-Treat’ and go to the house of my youngest daughter’s teacher for a special treat!

Got back to town, my husband got in with us and we canvassed the town!! 3-4 bags of candy later, and we’re home!

It wasn’t so bad after all! 🤷

Halloween again…

I strongly dislike Halloween. It most likely stems from my childhood in the cult. But even after I got out of that, I’ve just never been a fan.

I posted last year on here how much I dislike this day and all that’s involved. I have the obligatory Halloween parade at school for my youngest daughter, followed by her class party.

The parade is ok, but I am very uncomfortable at the party. Those kids make comments constantly about my eye as it is, but throw them in costumes and it’s 100 times worse.

I can’t ever tell who is who, and it’s just not fun. But, I put on a brave face for my daughter and just push through it. Maybe I can hide behind my sunglasses in the classroom!!??

Other than my general dislike of the holiday today, I’m recovering from a fairly painful dental procedure. (And my run-in with the psycho semi driver on my way home from the dentist!)

I’ve been prepped for a dental bridge and to protect the teeth that have been prepped, I was fitted for a weird temporary bridge, which is super uncomfortable!!

It goes down the inside of my gumline so far that it’s scratching the crap out of the side of my tongue! So my speech is not only a little messed up because of this new junk in my mouth, but it’s also very painful.

I have to tough it out for 2 more weeks until the permanent bridge is placed. I’ve been without a rear molar there for 13+ years, it is such a strange feeling to have a “tooth” there now in form of the bridge.

So, I don’t even get to enjoy the one area that Halloween never disappoints in…all the candy!! But hey, since I’m barely eating, maybe I’ll lose some weight in the next two weeks!!! 🤞

Broken

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So I had to go back to an appointment this morning and back on the same route that I took yesterday. The route that was a 10 mile, 85 mph fight for my life with the semi.

That stupid prick truck driver broke me. I did ok on the way down, but not on the way back. At about the same spot I encountered the truck yesterday was when it hit me.

I started crying. I’m sure you know from other blog posts that I don’t cry. Ever. But I’m broken, and now crying seems to be the only thing I can do.

I called my Dad on my way home just now, but he was in a snow plow and couldn’t talk long. The 5 minutes that we did talk he reinforced what I was feeling.

He knows, being a truck driver himself, that there is no reason to act as that guy did last night. When I told him what happened, he was livid. He told me I should have called the sheriff, and I know, I should have.

But he also told me that what I did was probably the best defense. My husband however, disagrees. He told me I should have maintained my speed and let him go around me.

But that wasn’t it. This prick was driving too fast and too close to pass me and not roll his semi. I pay attention, I know how it works.

It felt good that my Dad had my back, which he always does. The only thing he told me to do differently next time is to call the sheriff’s office. Regardless. And get a picture of the truck or license plates if at all possible.

But I am still broken. I’m pale, I can’t eat, and I only got 3 hours of sleep last night. I kept waking up violently. I don’t know if I was having flashbacks because I can’t remember the dreams. But now driving has me terrified again.

It’s like when I first got back in the car and drove 19 years ago after my near fatal car accident. I have to start all over again. I know my triggers and I have to ease myself back to reality again.

I hate this feeling. Please, if you are a truck driver or know a truck driver, please tell them to be courteous. We stay out of their way as much as we can, just tell them not to be pricks. You never know how bad it can break someone who’s worked so hard to get over her fear of driving.

One of my biggest fears…

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One of my biggest fears almost became reality for me at 6:30 tonight.

I’m still finding it hard to breathe and my chest hurts so bad.

I had a massive panic attack driving home this evening from an appointment.

Let’s just say, semi truck drivers are complete assholes. Wait, I shouldn’t say all of them since my favorite man in the world, My Dad, was a truck driver all my younger years.

This particular semi driver tonight was a complete asshole. One of my biggest, most irrational fears is that of being smashed into by a semi.

Well, it almost happened…..

My appointment was in a town about 35 miles from where we live. Everything is about 35 miles from where we live because we live in the middle of nowhere!!

So after going to my appointment, running by the grocery store and grabbing the pizza that my husband had ordered, I head home.

There’s an 18 mile stretch of highway before the only blinking traffic light in our whole county at a 4-way stop. About 8 miles from the 4-way I get behind a flatbed trailer and semi.

I see his trailer fishtailing quite a bit, then he starts going completely off the right side of the road onto the shoulder, then back into the lane only to cross the center line and be in the other lane as traffic is coming head-on.

This continues for several miles while I reduce my speed to about 59 and other vehicles are passing both of us at the same time. I’m honestly thinking that he has to be drunk. As we get to the 4-way stop, I’m really hoping he turns East or West and not be going North, where I’m going.

So after he sits at the stoplight for well over the normal limit, with no other cars in any direction, I honk. He doesn’t move. We had to have sat there for at least a minute or 2. Remember, no other traffic for miles.

I decide that he must be having truck trouble or he flat passed out, so I make the decision to go out around him, yes illegally, but what other choice did I have?

I am now on a county road for 10 miles until my next turn onto a highway. This is a super narrow county road with no shoulders and lots of little hills. I get about a mile or so North when I notice that the truck has finally moved, and he’s coming my way.

The speed limit on this road is 55. So I set my cruise on 60. Within another 2 miles, he’s rapidly gaining on me. I’m starting to get scared. We cross a river bridge and I am sure he’s going to ram me. I bump it up to 75. By now he’s so close to me that if I were to tap my brakes, he’s going to hit me.

I thought about pulling off onto a side road, but I couldn’t have done so safely at the speed I was now going. I no way could I have hit the brakes or he would have smashed into me.

I’m starting to have a massive panic attack now. Probably biggest one I’ve ever had. My oldest daughter is the only one who can bring me out of these, so I use my car’s Bluetooth to call her.

I start out the conversation with, “I’m so scared. I can’t breathe. I’m being chased by a semi. He’s so close to me, he’s going to hit me.” I’m met with her calm teenage voice telling me to calm down. I just keep repeating that I can’t. He’s so close to me I can’t see any of his front windshield in my mirror.

I’m about to pass out. Or throw up. I can’t get away from this guy. I’m keeping my daughter on the phone on the Bluetooth so my hands can be on the wheel as I’m now hitting 85. There’s no way for me to slow down, he’ll hit me.

Finally I tap on my brakes and I see him back off a little. I know I’m about 5 miles or so from the stop sign at the highway where I have to turn West. All of a sudden, he appears again. I’m back up to 75.

He’s going to hit me. I put my finger on the “end call” button on my steering wheel because I’m going to end the call before my daughter hears me get hit. We are a half a mile from the stop sign.

A deputy sheriff goes by us heading South. I think maybe he’ll light one of us up, but no such luck. He goes on South while I’m trying to figure out what to do at the stop.

I have just enough time to pause, while the semi is within inches of plowing into me. I scream to my daughter that he’s going to hit me and that I’m blowing the stop sign. I turn West and floor it. I’m about a half a mile from another car headed westbound too.

I get up to speed in enough time that the other car never really caught up to me. The semi, Thank God, let the other car go by before pulling onto the highway too. By now I felt a little safer with a car between us. My daughter had been on the phone with me the entire time, so I told her I’d let her go and be home in a few minutes.

It was just 1 more mile before I turned North again on another county road, and when I hung up from my daughter the radio started playing again. “Cowgirls Don’t Cry” by Brooks and Dunn was on. I turned that corner and started sobbing.

That song is my Dad’s ringtone when he calls my cell. I was crying so hard I was hyperventilating. I just wanted my Dad. I wanted to park my car and never drive again. That last 5 mile stretch into town was awful.

I pulled into the driveway, honked the horn, turned off the car and slumped over my steering wheel. I honked again so the girls would know I was home and to come get the pizza.

They opened the gate and came to the car, my oldest daughter opening my door. I’m sobbing hysterically and she’s just calmly rubbing my back. I can’t move. I’m frozen in shear fear. The little one is just looking at me with those huge eyes. See, I don’t cry and she’s never seen me like this.

Finally after a little reassuring and coaxing, I get out of the car. My oldest grabs the 3 bags of groceries and I grab the pizza. I make it in the back door, through my bedroom and to the kitchen counter before going back to my bed and just lay down, fetal position, sobbing.

My breathing is still extremely shallow and I’m feeling another panic attack coming on. My daughter texts my husband who is stuck late at work and asks him if he can come home, that I need him. He can’t leave, but he calls me and asks what’s wrong.

All I can do is cry into the phone and say I can’t drive anymore. He rationalizes it all out with me and tells me how to handle that situation correctly next time. And reprimands me for not calling the sheriff. I know I should have, but I also thought I was about to get smashed by a semi, I just wanted to hear my daughter’s voice.

Here it is, 4 hours later and I’m still tearing up. I have to go back to another appointment tomorrow morning, and there’s no way I’m going to be able to sleep!!

I hate anxiety, I hate driving, I hate being so traumatized from driving all the damn time. I wish I could say that I’ll get over it, but I’m afraid this event has left me scarred.

I really need to relax…

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Like really, I need to just calm the eff down. I sit here all day just stressing over one thing or another….

And at the end of the day, everything usually works out.

Here are a few of my current stresses:

I really need to call Social Security back and claim the death benefit for my daughter for her deceased father.

I need to figure out how in the hell to get a copy of his death certificate without having to contact the ex mother-in-law.

Why are my youngest daughter’s top front 2 teeth still not all the way in yet? She lost one in June and the other in September. I don’t want to get yelled at by her dentist next month for not opting to by the oh-so-expensive Myo-brace that I’m thinking now may have been a good investment!

Two more damn fundraisers due tomorrow, one for each of the girls, and my oldest came home with another one today!!! For God’s sake, give it up!!!

This fundraiser is for cinnamon rolls though, and I’m all about that one!!! I’ll order 3 dozen if my hubby will let me!!!

It’s going to be cold and rainy here tomorrow for like the second time all year, and we have a rare Thursday night home football game. Yaaaay!

Friday is some big event for the PTO. I’m so not ready to go sit among the other parents while the kids compete. Can’t I just send a check?? Oh wait, I had to.

The oldest is having chronic headaches again and we happen to live in the middle of a quality healthcare desert. It freaking sucks!!

We’ve got an appointment with her eye doctor next week, I’m hoping it’s an issue with her glasses. We’ve exhausted most of the options!!

Is the house going to be warm enough tonight?

Why is the dog barking?

What have I forgotten to do today? I didn’t accomplish anything!!

Laundry, I accomplished laundry.

And loads of unnecessary stress.

Like I said, I need to freaking relax!! Well, that’s all my mind is remembering at the moment!!

Have a great one!!!

Fluent in stupidity…

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That’s me! 🙋

I open my mouth and dumb stuff just falls out. And the more dumb stuff that falls out the more damage control I do, to only do more damage.

I never used to have this problem. So I’m blaming it on age and brain damage. I used to be a very good speaker, even a public speaker.

But nowadays, I can’t even see an acquaintance at the local pharmacy and just talk. Nope, I have to try too hard to just open my mouth and have stupid fall out.

Sometimes I have to tell myself over and over and over to just not talk. I give myself that little pep talk a lot. But I never seem to learn.

Not myself lately..

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I really haven’t felt like myself lately. And that’s bad. I don’t know how I can get much worse then my usual don’t want to leave the house, don’t want to make phone calls, etc. But I have. It takes all my willpower to go check the mail.

I live in a very small town of less than 200. It’s very rare that I ever have to make contact with anybody. So that’s good. But because of this, I have to commute a lot and make about a dozen phone calls to get things done.

But I just keep putting them off. I’ve had on my list of things to do for 2 weeks now to make eye appointments for my daughter and I. She’s having terrible headaches again and I’m sure it’s her eyes.

Me, well, I have binocular diplopia, that is, double vision when both eyes are open. But I feel like I’m starting to lose vision in the left eye, the instigator of the diplopia. The astigmatism in my right eye is getting worse as well.

But I am terrified to go see a new eye doctor. The one I had left 5 years ago and I haven’t been to one since. There’s a really nice eye doctor that my in-laws use who has personally told them to tell me to make an appointment with him, but I have yet to.

We have really good vision insurance, so I’m not afraid of that. I’m either afraid of finding out I’m going to lose my vision completely, or I’m afraid that a simple fix could have alleviated this a long time ago.

So maybe I’m really not not acting like myself after all. Maybe I’ve just gotten really good at acting like myself and just haven’t noticed it until now that I’ve really let myself slip!

But, one thing at a time. I just got back from the bank and had like 5 transactions to take care of all at once with my not-so-favorite teller. She screwed one up, but I luckily caught it and she got it fixed.

I checked online when I got home and she had done everything correctly. I just hate going in there. I still have to make a call into the main branch to figure out why my phone banking access isn’t working anymore!

Maybe I just need to get out of the house more and stop just sitting here listening to the clock tick!! Or a hobby, a hobby might make me less reclusive…