Oldest daughter *Update

A while ago I posted about my oldest daughter taking her PreACT and almost immediately began getting mail from colleges interested in her.

Well, in the time since I posted that, she has continued to get letters and emails. She has also taken her ACT, and scored pretty well.

Not to mention the fact that she competed in FCCLA at State level, and placed 1st in her division for her event. She gets to compete at National Convention this summer!!

She has also taken a vocal solo to a Music Festival, and walked away with a rating of I, which is a Superior rating.

She had two instrument solos at the High School band concert a week ago, and she has lettered, again, in band council.

The highest accomplishment is just yesterday she was voted Honor Society President, and gets inducted in Honor Society at the Awards Assembly.

She’s been in Honor Society since 7th grade now.

I’m so proud of her, and like my Dad said earlier this morning, “That girl sure is going somewhere!!”

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Talk to me…

Have you ever just wanted someone to talk to? Like seriously talk to? I’m there right now, but there is nobody, ever.

I used to be hopping on Social Media and had tons of people to talk to, until I stopped doing that. There’s no point.

I guess maybe it’s the stay-at-home mom thing I’ve got going right now, even though my youngest is about to finish Kindergarten.

I’d go back to work, but we live in the absolute middle of nowhere, that the commute and childcare expenses would take my paycheck.

I’m just tired of silence. I’m tired of not having anyone to talk to. I’m afraid I’ve guarded myself too much that I come across as unapproachable.

Oh well, people generally disappoint me anyways. Guess I’m better off being secluded.

So far away…

My Step-Grandpa passed away Saturday night. The man married to the only Grandma I ever knew. I am her favorite grandchild, but that’s beside the point.

Anyways, this happened in my hometown. Where I am not. I’m hundreds of miles away. I feel more like thousands.

I met with my Aunt today for a quick lunch on her way through to go back there from her winter home down South. She feels so much the same way about things as I do about all of this.

My grandma was at one time very active in the cult. Along with her first late husband, my grandfather, and now this late-husband, my step grandfather. The only reason she got married the second time was because of the cult. They are cruel and heartless and wouldn’t even allow the two to have coffee alone without being kicked out unless they got married.

Bullshit. Total and complete bullshit. Anyways, currently the only other 2 members of her immediate family that are still in the cult, my mother and my other aunt (who isn’t worthy of me even mentioning, but it completes the story, so yeah), are staying with her.

Until tomorrow. When they leave to go back to do all the culty things they’ve missed. Or maybe jobs, hell I don’t know. So they’ve been with her all week and are finding out that my grandmother is going crazy. (I can’t say that I blame her, I wouldn’t want to be left alone with those two!)

So my Aunt that I met with today is going back there Sunday to take over. Just between her and I, she’s going to keep an eye on finances because the other 2 are likely to take advantage of the situation and take money from her.

She will have to move into an assisted living establishment, to which there is not an abundance of back home. My mother and her sister, (the other aunt) both are from a very large city with ample availabilities for this kind of arrangement, but apparently my Grandma doesn’t want to leave that town. Or they don’t want the responsibility, who knows.

Long story short, my Aunt will get there, have a couple days with her, then a nurse will come and evaluate her and make the recommendation for either assisted living, or the Alzheimer’s ward at the nursing home.

A doctor will review the nurse’s recommendations, and will hopefully put in an order for assisted living.

According to my Aunt, they already have a place, it’s just a matter of time to go through the whole process. According to my mother and her other sister, well, I’m not sure I believe much of what they say.

I told my Aunt when we left lunch that I would keep her in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could have just dropped everything and gone with her, but that just wouldn’t work.

If this whole cult thing had never been a thing in our lives, my Grandma wouldn’t have lived so much of her life believing that she would never grow old and die, and I feel like she would be more prepared for this kind of thing. She’s in her late 80’s and understandably, she is confused.

Life was never supposed to get to this point before her promise of paradise came true. Which unfortunately, is just another hoax and brainwashing tactic by the cult.

I’m so super frustrated, I hate being so far away. Not that my voice would be heard or respected, but I’d feel a lot better if I were there.

When prayer doesn’t work..

Faith. I used to have it. I know I’m supposed to have it. I feel better thinking I have it. But I’m doubtful.

The last month or so when my little one was so sick and not getting better no matter how much medical intervention was used, I prayed. And I prayed hard.

I know, and understand fully, what it means to pray according to His will, and on His time. But none of my prayers seemed to be heard. None. In the middle of the night during her horrific coughing spells, I’d be pleading for help.

That’s when something caused me to wonder why it wasn’t working. Did He seriously not want her to get better? That’s not the God I believe in. And as far as timing, come on now, Now is clearly the time!

I was confused. I was mad. And I’m still not sure I’m over it. I know you can’t be mad at God, but I also know it happens.

I think I understand the whole “miracle” thing, and I wasn’t asking for a miracle. I was asking for some help. Maybe He only hears those that go to Church. If that’s the case, I’m out of luck.

But the God I remember from my upbringing, is a good God. One that wants the best for his children.

Just this once, I doubted it all. In the sleepless nights on the couch monitoring the coughing and being right there if she needed me, I started to doubt.

Then, all of a sudden, when I stopped praying non-stop, she started to cough less. The chest x-rays came back clear. I didn’t have to dose her every 4 hours with medicine anymore.

So, maybe I was wrong all along. Maybe it was on His time, and His time only.

Chest x-rays…

My poor littlest one just cannot catch a break! She’s had upper respiratory complications since about the first of the year.

After a visit to our regular doctor, and 2 to her pediatrician, antibiotics and oral steroid with no relief, he’s finally ordered chest x-rays for this afternoon.

I don’t know how to break the news to her, she’s going to be a little freaked out! I had planned on picking her up from school today anyways, but I’m afraid when I tell her where we are going, she may freak out on me!

Her big sister will be with us though, so I’m crossing my fingers that it will help ease it!!

The whole Mom thing…

Do you realize how hard it is to be a good Mom without having a good Mom? It’s hard. It’s freaking hard. But I’m doing it.

I just want the type of Mom that all the other ladies in my life have. But I never will. I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but it sucks.

I’m sitting here in tears from sheer exhaustion over my little one being sick again, and just want my mom. Or a version of the Mom that I should have.

Even the mother of my best friend from Junior High is more supportive, and sends well wishes and love from 600 miles away. I’ve literally seen this woman once since moving away in 1997. But you wouldn’t know that without me telling you.

She is such a huge part of her girls’ lives and I just wish, for one day, that I had a mother like that.

Even my best cousin’s Mom, my Aunt, is an amazing mother. My cousin is 7+ years older than me, a successful business woman, but even she has her Mom right there with her.

Supporting her, encouraging her, etc. They travel together, and do so much together. I’m so jealous. It’s just not fair.

I just hope I’m doing my best in being the kind of Mom to my girls that I wanted. I want the girls to grow up safe, secure, confident and loved. And not have to sit in tears and wonder why I couldn’t have been a better Mom.

I’m doing my best, I promise!!

Spring break recap…

So I thought I’d better post something before I lost the several loyal followers I have! There really isn’t much going on at the moment, but maybe a little update will do for now while I recover from this serious writer’s block I’m experiencing!

Spring break is over, and it was a pretty nice break. At the beginning of break, I took my youngest in to the pediatrician and she was diagnosed with walking pnuemonia. The poor thing had been seen by our PCP 5 days earlier, but wasn’t getting any better. After a powerful antibiotic and more steroid, she was on the road to recovery.

My husband took her to a Daddy-Daughter dance, and they had a blast! They were so cute, and she got all dressed up. Simply adorable!!

My mother wasn’t able to make it in, so that gave the girls and I time to just be. My oldest went prom dress “looking” with her boyfriend and her best girlfriend. His mother went along, of course, while I was left out and at home. Whatever. I took the little one out for lunch, in for a haircut and got my brows done.

My oldest daughter and I had tickets to go to a concert, and it was a blast. A much smaller venue, but for such a big name performer, it was amazing! Her second ever concert, and she was thrilled!

And just like that, the 10 days were over. After lots of cleaning, reading, playing games, going to the park, the dance, the concert, and the kicking pnuemonia’s butt, I’d say it was time well spent!!

Stupid weather…

And just like that, the atmosphere opens up and craps catastrophic amounts of nasty weather that closes roads.

So no Mom.

I am disappointed, but at the same time relieved. I know how that makes me sound, and I’m sorry.

They have closed interstates and highways all around between her and I, and there is no safe way around it. Yes, they could possibly get a later start to head down here, but I think I pretty much already helped her make the decision to postpone.

It hurts. It does. Then she gets on the phone and cries. Knowing damn well that both girls can hear her. Fortunately enough for them, they don’t know her tactics. Neither even realized she was crying.

I did all I could think of doing to diffuse the situation, but I guess I kinda failed.

She seemed genuine, but there’s always a part of me that is hesitant to believe it.

I hate being so callous, but I call it safeguarding my heart. And it’s no longer just my heart, but the hearts of my girls too.

I guess it is better this way.

Five and a half years…

Actually, over 5 1/2 years. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve seen my Mother. My almost 6 year old little one was a couple months old the last time we saw her.

And she’ll be here in 2 days.

I’m excited, I won’t lie, but the inevitable outweighs the excitement.

By inevitable I mean several things. She has a way of trying to snake in and pretend everything is fine and nothing bad ever happened to me and etc, when the absolute opposite is the case.

There are things she’ll want to talk about that I just refuse. Her registered sex offender husband is one, as well as her cult. I won’t go there with her.

She’ll feign concern for my Father and stepmother, just to try and catch onto something she can use against them or me. And she’ll undoubtedly grill me on my absentee big brother. To which I know nothing about anymore! His choice, not mine! (But I may have to disguise his name in my phone, just in case she gets nosey!)

I’m very, very careful who and what I talk about with her. I just wish I didn’t have to be so damn guarded with my own mother. It just doesn’t feel right.

Anyways, I’ve deep cleaned the house with only a few last minute things to do again, because even though I’m a grown ass adult, she will walk into my house with the “white glove” treatment.

I guarantee her “white glove” won’t stay white for long when she discovers the dust I forgot to get! It’s so stressful to know I will be judged on that. Even though my husband and oldest daughter keep reminding me that we live in this house, it isn’t a museum.

The other thing is she isn’t staying here. Since her husband is driving her down, and he’s not welcome in our house or around my girls, they are staying 35 miles away. So I have to go pick her up the three days she’s here, and take her back when we’re done for the day.

I’m not sure how I feel about that exactly. I’m a good enough person that I try to find the good in others, but with her husband, I just can’t bring myself to even try. The closest I’ll get is simply acknowledging the fact that yes, he is bringing her to the area. And yes, he’s paying for them to stay in a hotel.

But does that make me soft? Nope. Does that make me forget the only reason he’s not allowed here. Nope. Do I feel the need to forgive and forget? Oh hell no.

So anyways, here’s to the next couple days and hoping I don’t lose my mind in preparation for her visit. Is this what everybody experiences when their mothers come to visit? Surely not!! 🤨

Wish me luck, and strength, and anything else you want to sprinkle on top!!!